Please Let Me Know, I'm Curious.

1. There is a mosque (a place where Muslims go to worship) near my home. I drive past this mosque on a regular basis. Sometimes, ever so briefly, I find myself daydreaming about camels (yes, camels). I have a pretty unique (and perhaps, ridiculous) question. When a mosque has an event, such as Vacation Koran School (I assume this exists), do the directors bring camels at the end of the week?  You know, like a treat for the kiddies. If anyone has attended Vacation Koran School, please let me know. I'm curious. 

(I'm also curious where one finds a camel-for-hire. My son's 4th birthday is quickly approaching. Camel rides would surely put Cameron at the top of the "Best Aladdin Themed Birthday Party" list.) 

2.  Milk. It has a "Sell By" date tattooed on the container, right? No duh. We all know that it does. But, what good does that do us, the consumer? Seriously. Why doesn't the tattoo say "Drink By"?

Dear Cow-Aide Makers,


How long do we actually have before the calcium rich liquid turns into an undrinkable solid? Come on guys ... at least tattoo a description of what kind of a smell we can expect once it becomes undrinkable. 


Sincerely, 
A Curious Consumer

If anyone out there knows the translation for the "Sell By" date, please let me know. I'm curious.

3. While driving to one of our local Wal-Marts (I know, I know ... you might be a redneck if your town has more Wal-marts than it does Starbucks), we were behind a firetruck and an ambulance. Both emergency vehicles had their lights and sirens in full weee-ooooh-weee-oooooh force. I assumed that they were speeding to the same emergency. However, I couldn't help but wonder .... What if they were not heading to the same emergency? Who has to pull over? The firetruck ... or the ambulance. If any hometown heroes have ever been in this situation, please let me know. I'm curious. 

4. The microwave setting called "POPCORN". I don't like popcorn very much. I like the way that it tastes, it's those obnoxious kernels that I'm picking out of my bicuspids for the next 3 hours that I don't fancy. However, I have two children that rely on the buttery snack (well, actually just one … the other has a shiny set of braces on her teeth). My microwave has a convenient "POPCORN" button on the control panel. I put the popcorn in, press said button, wait until the microwave dings, remove the bag and open it, only to find that my popcorn (which I patiently waited 1 minute and 40 seconds for) is burnt. Why don't the manufacturers of microwaves just take 10 seconds off of this setting?

Sometimes, I cannot help but to feel as though the button is taunting me.

Button - "Push me! Go ahead. You know you want to!"

Me - "Ooooh … That's handy. Thank you, Button."

Button - "Good Luck!"

Microwave - "Beeeeep. Beeeeep."

Me - "Crap. Hold on Cameron, it's burnt. Let me try another bag."

Button - "Bahahahaaaaaa ….. Suckerrrrrrr!! You fell for it … AGAIN! You're so lazy. Is it that difficult to just stand beside me and wait 1 minute and 30 seconds? The bag warned you. When you hear 2 seconds between POPS … your food is done. Better luck next time, loser."

Me - "Shut up, Button."

So, if you are Mr. Maytag, Mr. Kenmore or Mr. GE … why don't you just take 10 wimpy seconds off of the "POPCORN" button setting, please let me know. I'm curious. 

I'm a Good Sharer.

First.

I'm sorry.

I've been on hiatus for far too long. I've actually lost one fan from my Facebook Fan Page (quitter). I'd like to extend a huge 'thank you' to those of you who decided to ride this thing out.

Anyhoo …

The problem is this … I'm lazy (shocking, I know).

The solution is this … Guest blogger! Why didn't I think of this sooner? (There are a couple other funny ladies that I'd also like to guest blog … as soon as I can find good blackmail material … they'll make their debut.)

Let me give you a little background history before you read my guest blogger's post (without the history … you might be left with a humongous HUH??).

A dear friend of mine (and one of the classiest, funniest and most entertaining gals that I've ever known) wrote a blog for me … errrm you. When questioned what she would blog about, a Facebook conversation ensued.

Read on.

• 
  

  • 
    
  • • 
      

      J-Bro oooooooooooh!!! what topic can we discuss? love? bunny rabbits? sex? toothpics? drano? (drano, because i recently used it and i think it's amazing shit.)
      

      4 hours ago ·  ·  1 person
    • 
      

      Nen You pick...I'll read!!
      

      4 hours ago · 
    • 
      

      J-Bro ahahaa! okie dokie...let me put on my thinkin' cap.
      

      4 hours ago · 
    • 
      

      Me I vote drano. I'd kinda like to see where that goes. No, wait … I'm fairly certain I already know where that goes.
      
      How about 2 bunnies … in love … doing "it" … while chewing on toothpicks … in front of a plumber. ANNNNND … GO!
      

      4 hours ago · 
    • 
      

      Nen Ohhh good one Al!!! Love it :)
      

      4 hours ago · 
    • 
      

      J-Bro you gals know that my wheels are already turning, right? i already have their names picked out. the bunnie's only. i'll work on the plumber's alias.
      

      4 hours ago · 

And there you have it … The beginning of a beautiful fable. Enjoy! 

**** Note ****

The Guest Blogger is not a bunny hater. She wishes no harm on innocent bunny rabbits. She is, by no means, trying to disrespect our bunny owning readers. And finally, she is a huge fan of all hopping things (she didn't say this … I'm just using my bosom buddy intuition)."Bah-dee, Bah-dee, Bah-dee … That's all Folks." 

So my dear friend, Alison, has offered was forced to allow me a spot on her blog since it had been some time since she’d had a chance to post and a few of the natives were getting restless.  Topics were thrown out there and though I have a plethora of true-life-make-fun-of-myself chronicles, I decided that I’d write a short fable instead (using the topics discussed – bunnies, sex, toothpicks and Drano.  I know Al knows all about my adventures (and has been there for many of them over the past 10 years), but I’m not sure you readers are ready for such vulgarity and adventure.  I’ll save those if I’m invited back again.  :)

2 bunnies in love  doing it while chewing on toothpicks in front of a plumber…A love story.

Once upon a time, Princess Wiggle Butt was hopping along in the forest (she’s a bunny, you see, though not an actual princess) when she came upon an old log cabin.  It’s lights were on and she could see inside.  There was an old lady inside.  She was stirring something on the stove.  Looking around through the window, PWB noticed there was a cage on a table.  Hopping to another window to get a better look, she saw that there was a bunny in the cage.  She was horrified.  She’d never have been able to be caged up like that.  She caught eyes with the bunny and at once, decided that she needed to help it escape.

PWB sniffed and wandered all around the cabin, every now and then peering in to see where the old lady was and what she was doing.  She found a spot she thought she could get through.  While she was searching, she decided that since it was getting dark, she’d wait until morning to try to get in.

She could barely sleep.  Excited for her mission.  Worried that maybe this bunny didn’t want to be rescued.  Pushing that thought aside (because who wants to be stuck in a cage), she was able to doze off for a bit until the sun coming through the trees woke her.  PWB hopped back to the spot she found to get into the old cabin.  Worming her way through, she popped through the logs and realized that she was safe from sight behind the old lady’s refrigerator. 

Listening, she realized that she might have gotten there before the old lady woke.  Perfect!  Peering around the fridge, she spotted the caged bunny.  Oh!  He’s very handsome, thought Princess.  Bunnies know just by looking at another bunny if they are a boy or a girl.  It’s a gift.  She hopped over to his cage and woke him.  “Psssssst, psssst.”  “Oh, hello.  How did you get in here?” the caged bunny asked.  Princess Wiggle Butt told him how she’d seen him through the window and found a way in to rescue him.  He thanked her over and over while she was opening the cage.  He hopped out and she asked him his name, figuring if she was going to help him get out of there, she should at least know his name.  He was hesitant, but after a few moments he replied “Bugs.”  Princess Wiggle Butt could not stop laughing.  What bunny rabbit is named Bugs?  I mean, really?  What about Zeus or Popeye or Diddy?  Bugs started back for the cage, head hanging down.  PWB hopped over apologizing for laughing.  He explained that his parents’ owners watched a lot of cartoons growing up and Bugs Bunny was the cartoon of choice.  Realizing that she’d hurt his feelings by laughing, PWB said she was sorry then realized they had to get out of there before the old lady woke up.  They scooted behind the refrigerator and out of the hole Princess had gotten in. 

Once outside, they found a spot behind the cottage and stopped to take a breather.  Princess Wiggle Butt and Bugs found that they had a lot in common.  Both liked carrots, had a million brothers and sisters and both enjoyed listening to old school R&B (New Edition preferably).  The two found some corn by the trash and shared a cob.  They found a few twigs and widdled them down to a point – making their very own toothpicks!  The corn they had just snacked on was stuck in their teeth.  PWB asked Bugs how he’d managed to get caught in a cage.  He explained that he and his old girlfriend, J-Lo, had been frolicking in the forest and both stumbled into the cages that the old lady had set up for bunnies.  The old lady enjoyed bunny stew.  Seeing the look in Bugs’ eyes, she knew that J-Lo had been in the pot that the old lady had been stirring when she was looking through the windows. 

Feeling awful for Bugs losing his love, she did what any girl bunny would have done.  She gazed into his eyes, gave him a peck on the cheek and scooted herself in front of him.  Looking back, she gave him a nod and a wink and he hopped on Princess Wiggle Butt’s back and did what bunnies do.  “It.”

In the heat of the moment, they didn’t notice the truck pull up.  Before they knew it, a man with a toolbox was standing over them.  He had on a hat that said Royal Flush Plumbing Service and a name badge on his shirt that said Woody.

The Princess Wiggle Butt and Bugs, obviously embarrassed, stopped what they were doing and asked Woody what he was doing there. 

J-Lo’s leftovers had broken the garbage disposal. :x

The End.

• 
  
•